A nice full moon and some orchids
Jun. 14th, 2003 12:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pandonkeyI saw a great full moon tonight at around a quarter to nine -- huge, golden, and low in the sky. That kind of sight makes me feel good. I'm a dork, but at least I'm a dork in a good mood.
Doug and I rented Adaptation and The Animatrix. We watched Adaptation earlier tonight, and I really loved it. I'm a sucker for movies about filmmaking, and especially screenwriting. The movie gave me a slightly buzzed feeling, overexcited and encouraged in some way. I feel a little bit like I did during those five weeks in "screenwriting camp" at Northwestern. I want to write, but I don't have a story. How can you express any idea when everything now is a cliche? Even saying that is a cliche. I'd say something about postmodernism and deconstruction and all of that, but honestly, I'd probably just sound like a fool. I'm definitely not the scholarly sort -- I gave that a try, and I found I didn't believe in it. I still think I might like to return to college someday soon, though. I'm definitely lacking in direction right now.
Hmm. I suppose that was the first personal thing I've really said in this journal. Honestly, I'm not feeling down at all -- quite the reverse. I have a lot of energy and good feelings that I need to funnel into something, but I find that my good feelings often make me behave a bit like a dork. Also, I don't quite know where to funnel those feelings. I need an outlet, and I'd need to maintain this chugging-engine feeling in order to get further than a first page. I'll probably look at this tomorrow and feel like an idiot for being inspired (if that's the word) by a movie, and even more like an idiot for expressing it publicly on the internet. So where does this get me? I suppose I do have ideas, but they very rarely seem fully-formed. I've read about the creative processes of other people, and I don't feel that I operate in quite the same way. Could I? Should I? Or should I just try to keep what I have now and try to throw in my great weakness, discipline? But I guess it can't be my greatest weakness, because I've had discipline before. If I were completely lacking in discipline, how did I make it through high school and college? Was I just riding on the force of my parents' work ethic, and my own hatred of failure?
Actually, that's my biggest problem now. I'm desperately afraid of failing. "Fear of success" is a stupid, invented piece of crackpot psychology, in my opinion -- if someone stops before doing something that could make them a big success, it's not because they're afraid of the success. It's because they're afraid that even with everything going their way, they could still fail. They could fail, when everything they wanted was just within reach. Instead, they choose not to try, because that way it's their choice. They're not a failure. They might be lacking in the proper ambition, but they didn't get close and then crash-land. They just pulled out. They can always tell themselves that it's because they were avoiding the failure they saw as inevitable, but everyone knows that's not the case. I think that's where I'm at now. I love to imagine my finished work -- either a novel, or a published short story, or even just a piece of art that's admired by others. I can't imagine my incredibly successful work if I actually attempt to create it, though. Nothing I create will be as perfect as the work I imagine, so anything I do will inevitably fail to live up to my expectations. So I simply avoid even attempting to create the work. This is my problem, and has been for some time. I hate the idea of making something mediocre, but I know that that's what I'll produce, no matter how hard I try. Maybe, in years to come, I could create something finer than that, but right now I know my creations would be mediocre. The problem is that if I don't create them, I'll never reach that something fine. You have to create a good share of mediocrity (and a good share of garbage, for that matter) before you can make something fine. It's just the way of things. So... I'd like to try. I just don't know if I can.
Whew. I certainly am long-winded tonight.
Doug and I rented Adaptation and The Animatrix. We watched Adaptation earlier tonight, and I really loved it. I'm a sucker for movies about filmmaking, and especially screenwriting. The movie gave me a slightly buzzed feeling, overexcited and encouraged in some way. I feel a little bit like I did during those five weeks in "screenwriting camp" at Northwestern. I want to write, but I don't have a story. How can you express any idea when everything now is a cliche? Even saying that is a cliche. I'd say something about postmodernism and deconstruction and all of that, but honestly, I'd probably just sound like a fool. I'm definitely not the scholarly sort -- I gave that a try, and I found I didn't believe in it. I still think I might like to return to college someday soon, though. I'm definitely lacking in direction right now.
Hmm. I suppose that was the first personal thing I've really said in this journal. Honestly, I'm not feeling down at all -- quite the reverse. I have a lot of energy and good feelings that I need to funnel into something, but I find that my good feelings often make me behave a bit like a dork. Also, I don't quite know where to funnel those feelings. I need an outlet, and I'd need to maintain this chugging-engine feeling in order to get further than a first page. I'll probably look at this tomorrow and feel like an idiot for being inspired (if that's the word) by a movie, and even more like an idiot for expressing it publicly on the internet. So where does this get me? I suppose I do have ideas, but they very rarely seem fully-formed. I've read about the creative processes of other people, and I don't feel that I operate in quite the same way. Could I? Should I? Or should I just try to keep what I have now and try to throw in my great weakness, discipline? But I guess it can't be my greatest weakness, because I've had discipline before. If I were completely lacking in discipline, how did I make it through high school and college? Was I just riding on the force of my parents' work ethic, and my own hatred of failure?
Actually, that's my biggest problem now. I'm desperately afraid of failing. "Fear of success" is a stupid, invented piece of crackpot psychology, in my opinion -- if someone stops before doing something that could make them a big success, it's not because they're afraid of the success. It's because they're afraid that even with everything going their way, they could still fail. They could fail, when everything they wanted was just within reach. Instead, they choose not to try, because that way it's their choice. They're not a failure. They might be lacking in the proper ambition, but they didn't get close and then crash-land. They just pulled out. They can always tell themselves that it's because they were avoiding the failure they saw as inevitable, but everyone knows that's not the case. I think that's where I'm at now. I love to imagine my finished work -- either a novel, or a published short story, or even just a piece of art that's admired by others. I can't imagine my incredibly successful work if I actually attempt to create it, though. Nothing I create will be as perfect as the work I imagine, so anything I do will inevitably fail to live up to my expectations. So I simply avoid even attempting to create the work. This is my problem, and has been for some time. I hate the idea of making something mediocre, but I know that that's what I'll produce, no matter how hard I try. Maybe, in years to come, I could create something finer than that, but right now I know my creations would be mediocre. The problem is that if I don't create them, I'll never reach that something fine. You have to create a good share of mediocrity (and a good share of garbage, for that matter) before you can make something fine. It's just the way of things. So... I'd like to try. I just don't know if I can.
Whew. I certainly am long-winded tonight.
